


a skeleton and a human walk into a bar

by shitabrick



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol, F/M, Reader-Insert, Swearing, loaded fries, sans is your wingman!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-11 23:44:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11725059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shitabrick/pseuds/shitabrick
Summary: read it and weep (based on Shittydinner's OsteoCitation) << reading that would definitely help. (whispers, i lov u guys)





	a skeleton and a human walk into a bar

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ShittyDinner](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShittyDinner/gifts).
  * Inspired by [OsteoCitation](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10348356) by [ShittyDinner](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShittyDinner/pseuds/ShittyDinner). 



> ( becos im a shit bin and a fool for shittydinner )
> 
> also i did not proofread this i just said i did, so rip

“so you wanna come?”

“To Grillby’s? With you?“ 

You made a face, because, honestly, you couldn’t think of a more uncomfortable situation. Isn’t Grillby’s where sans picks up monsters? It was the place where you saw him consuming that bunny monster’s face that one time. Why would you want to be in the middle of that?

It was Friday and Papyrus was out with Undyne and Alphys for the night. He let you borrow his car so you could run a few errands after work. When you went down to collect it, you had found sans sleeping in the backseat (???). You didn’t want to go through the harrowing process of trying to wake him up, so you let him sleep and started the car. He woke up when you were halfway through your errands and crawled into the passenger seat, ignoring your questions of course. He was now sitting with his feet up on the dash. 

“i promise i won’t pull.”

“Mmmm thought you didn’t like making promises?” You turn a corner, “think you could handle a night without groping anyone?”

“hey, i’ll do my best.”

You snicker, “I dunno.”

“it’ll be fun.”

You thought about what he said and tapped the steering wheel a little. 

“You sure you’re not just sayin’ that to make me feel less uncomfortable?” You briefly checked your speedometer, “I know that it’s been a while for you.”

In the corner of your eye you see sans shuffle a bit, then send you an inquisitive look, “haaaaave u been keeping tabs?”

“What, no.”

“t’sounds like you’ve been keeping tabs,” he’s smiling and resting his chin on his hand.

There was a slight pause before you spluttered.

“Ok maybe.”

Sans let out a small chuckle.

“You’re literally sharing a wall with me, dude. You don’t think I hear u occasionally?”

Mmm the skeleton’s grin grew wider, “i have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Ok, you hated to admit it, but whatever Sans was doing, he was doing it right. You wouldn’t call yourself sexually frustrated, not yet anyway, it hasn’t been that long… has… it?… but you still wished you had… whatever Sans had. In the few months you’ve been living with the skeleton brothers, you had awkwardly bumped into more than a handful of different monsters, and all of them emerging from Sans’ room. What was it about this skeleton man that made him appear to exude sex? The way things were going, you’d probably never find out. Ever since he’s noticed Papyrus’ interest in you, he’s backed off almost entirely. Though it still doesn’t dismiss the erotic purring he makes when laying on you, apparently because you’re soft and for no other reason whatsoever.

You were thinking too much again. You’re certain you just drove through a Stop sign by accident.

“im gonna help u pull someone tonight,” sans says all of a sudden.

“What?” You’re pretty sure you just spat.

“yep.”

“You promised me that you wouldn’t pull.”

“not for me. for you.”

“Sans.”

He’s smiling at you again, “hey, i knew you were just pulling my leg back there.”  

“Sans.”

“I’ll be good. I promise. I won’t pull a fast one.”

“SANS!”

“i’ll be ur wingman,” he whispered as he made a “w” with his fingers.

You sighed, defeated. 

Whatever. You just let sans make letters with his fingers. As if a random monster is going to want a human in it’s bed…. nest… uhh..?? 

You told Sans that his hands were small as you pulled into a gas station with a 7/11. You thought it’d be nice to fill up Papyrus’ car since he was kind enough to let you borrow it. Sans argued that his hands aren’t small they’re “lower cased” and that you shouldn’t compare him to Papyrus because his hands are the size of Europe. 

Still, his hands were hidden in his hoodie pockets when you walked into the 7/11. He made a beeline for the magazines as you browsed the cold food. 

After much deliberation, you ended up buying a salad, which Sans called you boring for. He insisted that it was way too healthy for a Friday night, almost making you drop it when he tapped on it violently. You retaliated, but he just retorted with a salad pun. 

Sans bought a packet of sprinkles and a CD album for some reason. 

On the way home, you thought about Sans’ invitation. You made a mental pros and cons list and the cons shot right over the pros. You couldn’t even see the pros for how many cons there were. It definitely wasn’t going to happen.

You got home at about 6.30. It had been raining and you almost slipped closing the car door, clutching the salad to your chest. Before Sans got out of Papyrus’ car, he opened up the album and inserted the disc into the car’s CD player. 

Before you could even ask what the hell, he joined you in the elevator and wagged the cover in your face. “Trombone Hits of 2013”. There was definitely an inside joke you were missing out on. 

“so Grillby’s?”

“Sans,” you unlock the front door and walk inside, “No.”

“you really wanna stay home and do nothing, _again?”_

Sans seemed to be very observant, not that it was hard to tell that you were a hermit with no friends that ate leaves and did nothing on Friday nights but lie in bed and watch Law and Order. You didn’t like the way he italicised “again” but he wasn’t wrong. You hadn’t gone out much since moving in… or at all really. 

“I thought you liked doing nothing.”

“yeah, but not on friday nights,” he took off his hoodie, “really? you’re not gonna come?”

You shook your head with a tired smile then dropped your handbag on the table. Sans said nothing then left for his room.

_ _ _ 

Sans was in his room getting ready, or so you thought – he seemed to be taking a long time. You wouldn’t think he’d take very long. You decided to open your salad bowel. You think about what he could be doing in there and laugh deviously into your salad like you were a stock photo. After grabbing a fork from the kitchen, you head to your room. On the way there, you bang on Sans’ door.

“HEY ARE U MASTURBATING?”

“quite the opposite.”

“What’s the opposite of masturbating?”

“not masturbating and talking to you.”

The door knob wiggles and Sans emerges in a blue and black checked shirt, unbuttoned revealing a white undershirt that was half tucked into his black harem pants. 

The salad fell off your fork.

“Y-you look pretty good,” stuttering only because you were meant to think that and not actually say it.

You followed him back into the living room and sat down at the dining table, salad intact.

“yeh but apparently not as good as that salad,” he shrugs and takes the front doorknob in his hand, “too bad huh. guess i’ll _leaf_ you to your fun night alone. sorry to dist _herb_ you. Who knew it was possible for someone to carry around that much emotional _cabbage.”_

“There’s no cabbage in thi-“

“didn’t realise you were such a dead _beet_. not gonna lie though, i am a little sa _la_ d that you didn’t at least _corn_ sider it.” 

You looked down into your salad. It stared back, cold and uninviting. Sans was standing in the doorway with a “this is your last chance” look on his face. Did you really want another quiet salad-filled Friday night spent alone? 

Alright. Fuck it.

Salad. In trash. Jacket. On. Self-respect. Gone.

“L-lets get drunk!”

Sans’ smiled, unsure if at the lack of confidence in your voice, or the fact that he was genuinely happy that you were going out with him. As you cupped your butt pockets to reassess the location of your phone and wallet, you really hoped it was the latter.

_ _ _

It wasn’t long before the Grillby’s neon sign was blinding you. The bar was as loud and as hot as you remembered. The sweat started dripping the moment you entered. You walked through a crowd of monsters of different shapes and sizes, and… smell… They all joyously greeted Sans. He led you to a booth that was in a good spot for people-watching…or monster-watching. 

“i’ll pay for drinks, if you pay for dinner?”

It was a deal. He bought first round of drinks and you gave him cash for food. He ordered loaded fries (!!). The hot chips were thick and smothered in cheese and gravy. It had some small pieces of parsley on top which Sans picked out and put on your plate complete with salad joke. 

“Is this seriously all you eat some nights?” You say placing a bit of the parsley on your chip, “This is so unhealthy.”

“but tastes amazing.”

“Mm you’re not wrong there,” you say stuffing another in your mouth ungracefully.

“i don’t think you understand. i would sacra _fries_ my life for these fries.”

“That pun is enough to make one turn in one's _grave-y.”_

Sans laughed in earnest. He always loved when you punned back. And you always loved when you could see his fangs, which only ever happened when he chortled or … You had a flashback to when you had Sans cornered in the hallway. The way he bared his fangs at you. That savage, hungry purring. If Papyrus hadn’t appeared, who knows how far you would have taken it, and how long Sans would have let you…

“it’s fry-day, so all types of fries here are discounted,” he was licking gravy off his fingers, “i enforced that law.”

A wink.

That weird magic tongue. You still have so many questions about his body, but you know it’d be one of those touchy subjects that would cause Sans to go quiet. He was now talking about water-sausage fries… and other kinds of fries you had never heard of. Honey fries. Ice cream fries… snail fries. It wasn’t long till the plate was almost empty.

“Talk about fast food.”

“guess time fries when you’re having fun.”

A war broke out when you both went for the last chip. You took hold of his right wrist and held it up in the air as you batted his free hand out of the way. You had knocked over both the salt and pepper shakers in the process and the table creaked under your enthusiasm.

“Uh huh sorry, fries before guys,” you say popping the final chip in your mouth.

“oh im so sad im frying.”

“Sorry, small fry.” 

You release his hand and pat his head.

_ _ _

For a while you both sipped your drinks in silence. You sighed, the alcohol was finally hitting you and you felt calm. The drinks that Sans was ordering you looked like some kind of dragon fruit mojito, it fizzed in your mouth and had a sherbet-y aftertaste. Sans look preoccupied with his too. It was bright blue in a stout glass. The ice looked like it was glowing. He had also ordered a burger, which he drowned in ketchup.

Every now and then you’d see Sans’ eyes follow a monster as they walked by. You felt a little discouraged by that.

“Hey, you sure you don’t just wanna ditch me?” You rested your chin on your hands, “I mean, you’d probably have more fun if you were touching up someone tonight.”

“fno,” he merfed through the burger, “imf wilf fjh il be fin e tonighft.”

You had no idea what he said but you were reminded of how gross a skeleton eating is.

Suddenly Sans swallowed - his eyes were on something.

A monster was approaching. They look like some kind of Harpy. Bird-head, eyeliner heavy, fake lashes, in a light pink dress, with a pretty sizeable rack. Huh, you thought monsters didn’t have boobs… well that’s what you assumed when Papyrus was so enamoured by yours. Maybe they were… feathers?...? You still felt the need to puff out your own chest a little. 

“Hey honey, you occupied this evening?” Their voice was thick with desire.

They ran their fingers along the side of the table, before ghosting them over the top of Sans’ right hand.

“oh hey. yeh, pretty busy night ahead,” Sans shrugs and squeezes your shoulder, “got my hands full tonight.”

Oh my god.

She casts a quick glance at you before moving her hand up his arm, rubbing his Ulna. You couldn’t help but stare. 

“i’m good,” he reassures, looking tense.

After a beat, she withdraws her hand, bringing it up to primp her hair/feathers.

“Well alright big boy, if you need me you know where to find me.” 

Spoken like a true hoe.

Wait, B I g b o y???????!! (??!!?!?!)

The moment she was out of ear-shot, you turned to Sans at breakneck speed, face burning.

“Why did u say that?” You hissed between your teeth.

“what? told u i wouldn’t pull.”

“Ah, but now she'll think I’ve had sex with you!”

“correction, now the whole bar will think that you’ve had sex with me, she’s a huge gossip.”

You groaned and hid your face in your hands.

“what? you ashamed of the thought of people knowing we fucked?”

“Saaannssss!!” You push his shoulder and he laughs. 

You just sat there, blushing into your 4th drink tonight. Maybe it was the way he said “we fucked” that made you combust with emotion. Any moments of lust you had shared with Sans was hormone-fuelled or drug-induced, and therefore temporary, or interrupted by Pap. You crossed your arms over the table top and lay face down. The thought that you wanted more from him made your skin flush even harder. Your physical advances weren’t exactly advancing now that Sans knew his brother had a thing for you. He was good to Papyrus, and you respected that, but now it made you wonder if you’d really ever get to experience more from Sans.

“what about him?”

You look up and Sans is nodding towards a tall grey wolf. 

“I think doing it with a monster that resembles an animal might be considered bestiality.”

“and you’re not into that?”

“You need to stop.”

Sans gestured another monster.  
   
“what about plants, you wanna fuck a plant? he'll use his green thumb on you.”

You spat your drink back into its glass.

For the next hour, you sat next to Sans as he pointed out different monsters of varying size, age and gender. He even introduced you to some. You wondered if he knew all of them personally, or if they were just Grillby’s regulars. 

You shuffled closer to him, exposing a grin so wide it threatened to pull a muscle, “hey, how many of these have you been in your bed, huh?”

“woahh, personal.” 

You slap the table, this was definitely the alcohol talking.

“Come on, tell me!” You whine, “It’ll help me pick one to talk to! Don’t you wanna help a friend out?”

Sans takes a looong, slow sip of his drink.

“you know that’s not going to happen.”

You withdraw, slumping into your seat and blowing a bit of hair out your eyes. 

“what about that guy?”

It was a green goopy slug-like monster dripping goo all over the floor and the unlucky some who bumped into him.

“I think my tubes just tied themselves.” 

_ _ _

By this time you had lost count of how many drinks you had consumed. You were at that stage of drunkenness where people were handing you drinks… but you weren’t sure where they were coming from… and… who was paying for them. You and Sans had left the booth and were now sitting at some high tables in the middle of the bar. Sans had spoken to at least four other monsters. And rejected them every time. 

For you. To spend the night with you.

And it was getting to your spinning head. After peeing for the umpteenth time, you stagger back to the table and somehow successfully sit on the stool next to sans. 

“hey wingman,” you say a little more seductively than expected and almost knock over your 4th, 5th no… uh 7th drink!?? ???

“heya.”

Your mind was starting to wander. You felt so drunk… was he as drunk as you? It was hard to tell. Your vision was fuzzy and you were feeling flushed… and sweaty. How…….did he…. smell… SO GOOD?????? It was a different smell to Papyrus. You had become accustomed to their smells and have been starting to wonder whether it was a cologne or just their natural musk. Either way, it was great. Very nice, a better smell than your own perfume. 10/10 would smell again.

“i don’t think i deserve that title,” he chuckled, slurring a little, “next time we’ll go to a human bar.”

He nursed his drink while your eyes drank up his entirety. You had the urge to…… touch him. So you move closer, your shoulders now touching. Just sitting next to him made you so happy, but you were automatically doing things without thinking now. You lift your right hand to rest it on his left shoulder. You’re picking at the fabric and looking at him with heavy lidded eyes. 

He’s giving you a look…but you’re too drunk to identify what it means. 

“you… ok?”

You were practically sitting on his lap now. So close (2 close) (you a hoe). You ghosted your other hand up his leg, over his kneecap and under the bottom hem of his pants. You felt him tense up.

His voice lowered, “what are you doing?”

He wasn’t giving you any signals to stop until you felt his hand on top of yours removing it from his inner thigh. 

And then you were on him. 

Gripping his arm. Pulling him forward. Mashing faces. You held the hand that took yours from his leg, lacing fingers. But Sans is stiff and unresponsive; his eyes open and his hands sweating. He tugs your collar back and your lips release him. Then you had an epiphany. 

Here’s the part where the reader compares the taste of sans to the air after a rain storm like it’s some running joke that I was never a part of.

“Dog biscuits”, you say suddenly.

Sans pulls back and looks at you, “what.”

“You taste like dog biscuits and… covfefe.” 

Then suddenly, the room starts to blur and you’re clutching his shoulder. It ends as fast as it starts.

_ _ _

And the next thing you know you’re home.

You’re lying on the couch with the light of the TV in your eyes, a ringing in your ears and your head on something hard.

You realise that it’s Sans. He’s sitting on the couch and your head is in his lap. He’s watching some cooking show on mute. You shuffled in his lap and look up at him.

“hey lightweight.”

You groan in response.

“how you feelin’?

“What time is it?”

“2am.”

“Wwhh-aaat,” the last time you checked it was 10.

You definitely had a black out. 

“i decided that you were too drunk when you started dancing aggressively in your chair when absolutely no music was playing. i guided you outside, but the pole out front of the bar? you tried to spin on it: failed, then had a nice lie down in the street. on the way home, you puked on a statue then told me about the time you farted real loud in church and blamed God,” he was beaming.

Your face was hidden by your hands, but the blush was still very much there.

“guess it’s been a while since you drank, huh?” he says, offering you a glass of water.

You sit up and nod slowly as you sip your water. Your body ached. Sans points out all the scratches and bruises that were forming from your acrobat incident, then continues to watch TV as you sit next to him.

“Sorry for being a cockblock tonight.”

“hey, i promised i wouldn’t pull, remember?” he pauses, “though i… did end up getting a bit of action.”

“Oh, I don’t remember that,” you say rubbing your eyes with both palms.

“yeh, i know you don’t,” his grin is enormous.

You feel like he’s hinting at something, but you can’t focus with your head buzzing and the room rocking.

“Thanks for looking after me.”

His way of saying no problem was leaning his whole weight on you. Human tax.

“You could have had a better night without me. I guess I’m not what u call pulling material.”

“i don’t call it that. in fact, i don’t think anyone calls it that.”

“Ok, fuckable.”

Sans hums, “i don’t understand, u smell fertile to me.” 

“No comment.”

Of course Sans wouldn’t know how you feel, he picks up monsters like they’re contagious diseases. Tonight was fun and you enjoyed what you remembered, but it did leave you feeling a bit… rejected. Monster/human relations was a thing that was happening in this day and age, so you thought that you’d meet at least a handful of monsters that were curious. 

After a few more glasses of water, and a bit of leftover pasta, you felt a little better. Less drunk anyway, but tired as fuck. You changed into a baggy shirt that covered your panties and sat on your bed in the dark for a few minutes listening to the buzzing in your ears.

You felt a sudden loneliness. A feeling you had felt on occasion, but tonight the feeling was viscous and weighed down your chest. You were afraid to sleep here tonight, because the thought of waking up alone was too much.

Without thinking it through, you raised your knuckles to the wall behind you, hoping he wasn’t asleep already.

“Sans?”

You waited patiently. There was some movement and then…

“yeh?” 

You swallow, “Could I.. uh…… ask you something?”

“the door’s unlocked.”

His invitation brought air into your lungs as you hobbled out of bed, out of your room and up to his door. You slowly pushed it open to reveal sans sitting on the edge of his mattress with the curtains open. You never realised his room had city views. Your room was always pretty dark, but his was lit by the lights of the city. Sans had removed his checked shirt and was wearing just his undershirt and boxers. And socks, his Vans kicked into the corner. He was looking up at you and picking at his fingertips. 

“whats up?” he says, maybe even with a hint of concern.

“I’m, uh… not feeling so great tonight and…” cut to the chase, “I was wondering if I could sleep with you… maybe?”

You lose eye contact for a few moments as Sans seems to be lost in thought.

He squints, “what about the law against human tax in bed?”

“Law adjourned,” you say waving your hand. 

You stood under the doorframe playing with the edge of your shirt, waiting for Sans to respond. 

“well as long as you’re not expecting anything more,” he moved across his mattress and sat under the window, gesturing you to join, “why not? we’re practically nap buddies already.”

You thank him and close the door behind you. The first thing you notice is that one of his pillows look oddly famil-- Oh yeah. It’s that pillow. The one he took from your room the first time you menstruated in the apartment. He’s kept it, hah… and to be honest, you are fine with that. You’re still not sure whether to believe that wetness was from him drooling in his sleep though. You crawl across his messy bed and sit next to him cross-legged.

“again, sorry you had no luck tonight, but if you ever wanna try again,” he picked up his phone from the window ledge and wiggled it at you, “i’ve got almost every one of those monsters’ numbers in my contacts.”

You gasp and hit him playfully. So he has had the majority of Grillby’s regulars in his bed. 

“A slut! We have a slut here!” Jazz hands in his general direction.

“words hurt, kiddo,” but he was still smiling. 

“Believe me, that was a compliment.” Only now you actually were more aware of the mattress you were sitting on.

You’re pretty sure Papyrus washes the entire household’s sheets like every week though. You rest your head on your crossed arms on top of the window ledge and turn your attention to the city below. The hum of the traffic and the distant lights were starting to lull you to sleep. Sans was also looking out at the city, he looked tired. Of course, he’s tired, he was dragging your shitty drunkard ass all over town. He yawned, then retreated from the window to the middle of the mattress.

“just promise me you’ll sleep with at least a 3 feet gap between us, ok?” his smile widens, “because you know what the difference between light and hard is?”

“You stole this one, I know you di-“

“you can sleep with a light on.”

What a shithead, but you were glad to be here. 

“Thanks again,” you whisper, but Sans is already asleep.

You stay up a little longer watching the city lights. It took you a while to realise that Sans basically said that sleeping close to you turns him on… OR he could have just really wanted to use that joke. The thought of the former made you blush for the 20th time that night. You can hear Sans softly purring into his pillow.

You lowered yourself down onto the mattress, a good distance from Sans, and sighed, staring up at the ceiling. Tomorrow was Saturday and you decided that you were going to waste the entire day on the couch. You’ll be pretty hungover so, there won’t be much else for you to do except sip water, nibble dry toast and proclaim that you’ll “never drink alcohol again” every half hour. The night with Sans was fun, but you wonder which statue you vomited on… You were so embarrassed, but as long as you got out of there before making any unwanted physical advances, then you felt that the night went okay. 

You wish you could remember most of it though….

But maybe this was all you needed? Good food, good drinks, with nice roomies. Some bad laughs plus a nap buddy as a cheeky bonus. You hummed to yourself and closed your eyes.

_ _ _

An hour later you woke up with pins and needles in your right arm.

Sans had rolled into your side. One of his arms had found its way under your shirt, his face buried in your neck. He was kneading at your skin and purring deeply.

Nope. You still really wanted to fuck the skeleton.

**Author's Note:**

> babys first reader fic, pls b gentle


End file.
